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the enforcers

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WHO: The Dark Hand Enforcers and anyone running into a trio of weirdos.
WHAT: Finding out they've been abducted and turned into weird creatures. So, Tuesday for them.
WHEN: First day.
WHERE: Out in the cold.
WARNINGS: Probable language, but likely not much else.

[What do most people do when they wake up in an unfamiliar place, as something they weren't a moment ago? Probably scream and panic. But no, that's not what the Enforcers do. In fact, at first none of them say a word, just looking each other over and noting the extreme variation in what they've become. That is, until the cold settles in and Finn realizes that he feels colder than he ever has before, even in the arctic.]

Brrr-rr-rr-rr! G-guys, i-is it just me, or are we in the d-d-deep freeze of o-our lives?

[The other two share a glance before Chow shrugs and adjusts his sunglasses.]

Kinda chilly, but I wouldn't say it's a deep freeze. Sure ya didn't just get yer feathers wet flopped in the snow?

I dunno, I wouldn't go as far as Finn, but it is pretty cold out here. Maybe we oughta find somewhere outta the snow so's we can warm up.

Seconded, motion p-p-passed, come on you l-losers, w-w-we're findin' a cave or s-s-something.

[And so the trio heads out, a Murkrow and Shiny Rattata huddled together for warmth while an all black Combusken follows behind, shaking his head. A cave shouldn't be hard to find, right? And the odds of them stumbling over something (or someone) to delay their search are practically nill! ...Right?]

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Oy, do I look like a campfire ta you guys?

A-actually you look like a c-cross between a chicken and... [He pauses and looks between Valmont and Ratso. Yeah no, he's not in the mood to get chided about his language today.] A-anyway, that's not important, you're w-warm.

Hey, bet I could...

[He crouches down in the snow, then jumps and grabs a double pawfull of feathers. Another jump later and he's settled comfortably on an indignant chicken's head.]

Hey, you can carry me for once!

[ Valmont has no idea where Finn was going with that sentence, so it's probably a good thing it wasn't finished. Getting flustered would almost certainly distract him from getting warm, and no one wants that.

He raises an eyebrow at Ratso's use of Chow as a jungle gym, or what would be an eyebrow if he currently had any. An image of how absurd this would look if the two were human suddenly pops into his head. He has the insane urge to laugh. ]

- Ahem. If we're q-quite done f-fooling around...

[ It's very difficult to summon up any enthusiasm for anything that involves moving from this spot, "this spot" being as close to Chow as he can maneuver himself without actually touching. But even a feathery space heater doesn't neutralize the worst part of the cold, the part that feels like it's scraping against his bones, and they can't stand around in the middle of the snow forever. Besides, well. He is meant to be the boss here, after all. ]

I don't suppose any of you three h-has any idea where to find some s-shelter?

[ Civilization is what he's really hoping for, but he gets the feeling that's a little too much to ask of their present situation. ]

[Finn, meanwhile, is perfectly willing to just lean against Chow. What do you mean best friends aren't armrests? Wingrests. Whatever. But that still doesn't stop the wind cutting through his feathers.]

Th-that's what we were l-looking for when we f-f-found you.

We was hopin' to find a cave or somethin' to get us outta the wind.

[Chow now has one of his friends on his head, and the other using him as a wingrest, while his former boss huddles next to him like he's a fireplace. What is his life.]

Which we ain't gonna find like this, so would you guys get offa me?!

You're the only one who's not cold, you don't get to c-complain.

[ But Chow has a point, as difficult as that may be to believe. Just standing here isn't likely to get them anywhere, and so he begins, very slowly, to pry himself away from the warmth. All his instincts are screaming that this is only a good idea if he happens to be suicidal, but Valmont has a lot of practice doing things his body doesn't want him to. He ignores them. ]

Right, u-unless one of you has any objections, we're g-going th-this way.

[ Valmont has no idea which way is which, but given that no one else seems to either, he figures the way he just picked at random is as good as any. Hereupon follows a whole lot of walking. ]

But I am the one that's apparently got a new hat.

Ah, shaddap. I used to carry you when we was younger.

[And this would be his cue to start tuning out Ratso and Chow, since they pretty clearly have no opinions on which way to go. But ugh...that means he has to move. His feathers puff up in displeasure just at the idea, but eventually he does manage to stand back upright.]

D-don't see why n-n-not. Everything looks the s-s-same out here, a-anyway.

This is s-stupid.

[ If there had been any lingering doubt about this weird snake's identity, there definitely isn't anymore. Not a few minutes into their trek and he's already complaining. ]

If one of you three's b-been given h-heat powers, s-surely the other two must have some k-kind of useful skills. Cave-finding skills. Skills that don't n-necessitate all this walking.

[ ...Hold up. Something's occurred to him. Something that should have been obvious from the start, but knowing these three, Valmont probably shouldn't be surprised none of them had thought of it. Ignoring the fact that he didn't think of it until just now either, he rounds on Finn. ]

You! You're a b-bird, aren't you? Why can't you s-scout for shelter aerially?

Because it's c-cold? It's gotta b-be even colder up there!

Well maybe flyin' might warm ya up. An' then that'll at least be one source'a bellyachin' down.

Ooh, but if he's gonna do that, we oughta figure out a way to make it easy for him to find us again.

Oh, s-stop whinging, crows have good eyesight, d-don't they? I'm sure you'll f-f-find something before too long.

[ He narrows his eyes at Ratso's suggestion. This is beginning to sound an awful lot like it'll involve work on his part. ]

What sort of way d-did you have in mind, exactly?

Fine, but if I freeze up there, I'm blaming you guys.

How about buildin' some kinda snow tower or somethin'? And then Chow can sit on top of it so it don't just blend in.

Why do I gotta be the one to sit in the snow pile?

Are you aware of a p-principle known as contrast?

[ Despite the snark, Valmont doesn't sound too put out by the whole snow pile idea. Physical labor isn't his style, after all; surely no one will fault him for sitting this one out. He can supervise. ]

Well, what are you all waiting for? G-get to it, we haven't got all day.

And you're bigger than us and ain't so bothered by the snow.

[Said while already starting to shove snow into a pile.]

Fine, fine. Don't say I never do nothin' fer you guys.

[Grumble grumble, pile snow. In big chunks, so it doesn't just melt while he's holding it.]

Oy, Valmont, ain't you got some kinda whatever we are power that'd be useful here?

Have fun playing in the snow, I might as well get this over with.

[He spreads his wings a little stiffly, but a few flaps has him airborne. He can't deny he's missed flying...but it really feels kind of strange to be doing it with wings instead of magic.]

[ Valmont, who's taken this opportunity to observe the proceedings from a comfortable distance, looks a little put out at being suddenly addressed, especially in such a cavalier manner. He'd been doing perfectly fine not being useful, thank you. Well. "Perfectly fine" being a relative term. All things considered, he could stand to be shivering a bit less. ]

How would I know? I don't even know what I'm supposed to be right now.

[ Except that it's green and scaly and has a tail, which means it's probably some sort of reptile. Whatever brought him here had a sick sense of humor. ]

Figures. How come these transformations don't ever come with a user's manual?

'Cause they're always thanks to jerks?

"Jerks" would be the word, yes. Wh-when I get my hands on the party responsible for this - !

[ As he clenches a fist (a gesture that's a lot cuter than he's comfortable with in his current state), it occurs to him that something doesn't sound quite right about what his employees have just said. "These transformations"? "Always"? ]

Hang on, what on earth are you g-going on about? You make it s-sound as though this sort of thing has happened b-before.

[ Assuming they are on earth anymore, which is seeming less and less likely by the minute. ]

Uh...'cause it has? Granted, bein' Dark Chi Warriors wasn't quite so dramatic...

But it still needed to have some kinda instruction book.

[ Well, this conversation just took a sharp left into Not Making Any Sense. ]

Dark Chi wh-what? When in the world did this happen?

[ He takes his eyes off these idiots for a few days and they start turning into god knows what? Typical. Never letting them out of his sight again. ]

Whaddya mean 'when'? You was there.

Right after we tried to steal the Talismans from Section 13 at the same time as Daolon Wong.

[The name 'Daolon Wong' is said with possibly even more spite attached than 'Chan' would be.]

I most certainly was n-not. I think I would remember -

[ ...After they did what now? ]

Oh, all right, very f-funny. I've t-told you, it wasn't my fault that I d-didn't have the chance to liberate the Talismans when I was there. You're q-quite welcome to visit the netherworld and t-take it up with Shendu, if you'd like.

[Excuse them while they stop piling snow for a second to share a concerned glance.]

You don't think...

Kinda sounds like it. Hey, uh, Valmont...when was the last time you saw us?

How long...?

[ There's a moment's pause in which Valmont tries to count the past few days on his fingers. It's a lot harder when you only have six. ]

About a week ago, I s-suppose. When you lot d-decided you'd rather l-leave me to drown in a citywide flood than actually do s-something useful about it - thank you ever so much for that, b-by the way, I had to go to the Chans for help and th-they were complete rubbish.

Hey, ya know we would'a brought ya with us if we could! But there wasn't nothin' we could do, we ain't no wizards! Anyways, that was what...

Some two years ago or somethin'? Back when we was still all together.

Two y-years?

[ It's not as though Valmont's a complete stranger to weird time shenanigans. But he's only experienced them once, and only peripherally. It takes him a minute to process this.

Once he's past the initial weirdness, though... Well, it wouldn't be accurate to say it makes sense, but it doesn't make any less sense than waking up as an unfamiliar animal in the middle of a frozen wasteland, at any rate. Why the hell shouldn't time travel be thrown in there too? No, the more troubling issue is that last sentence of Ratso's. He doesn't like the implication hanging over it. ]

What exactly do you m-mean by "still" t-together?

[Another worried glance.]

Maybe we oughta wait fer Finn ta get back.

Yeah, bet he could explain it better than us.

[Or maybe he doesn't want to explain personally.]

N-now hold on a - you can't just bring that s-sort of thing up and n-not explain what you meant by it!

[ You'd better get back soon, Finn. Valmont's going to become increasingly worried about this until he gets some actual answers. ]

Awright, short version is, some shit happened an' we got split up. Ya can get the details later, I ain't gonna go havin' ta explain ta Finn how much we explained ta you.